I Think I Lost My Halo
by HelloMyNameIsKat
Summary: Stress can pile on, destroying a person bit by bit. Elsa is barely able to keep up with school, but keeping up with the never ending depression? Almost impossible. Jack tries all he can to keep her alive, but trying is not always enough. (Highschool Jelsa AU... sort of? idk. Please be cautious when reading if you're sensitive to intense subjects)
1. Prefix

**/ Prefix /**

 **Jack**

I knew exactly what awaited me behind the bathroom door. I didn't want to face exactly what was behind this door. In fact, I was terrified to face it. I desperately begged for a miracle to happen that would change the circumstance. I knew I had to to find out. I took a deep breath, and opened the door, preparing myself for what was to be found.

Pale fingers were what awaited me.

Pale fingers barely holding an empty bottle of pills. Pale fingers connected to a pale body. A Pale body holding empty eyes. Empty like the bottle. Empty like the soul.

To believe what I saw was true was impossible. I couldn't accept what sight I had before me. It was to much. To much sorrow on the pale body's face. To much pain that the body endured. To much for me to understand.

I felt the warm tears sting the corners of my eyes as I took a step closer.

Every step was a battle. Every step was a fighting war that was nearly impossible to win. Every breath I took contained the agony of the sight I saw. And what I saw... I will never recover from.

Through my distraught and tears, I barely whispered out, "Elsa... no."


	2. 1- Nothingness

**Elsa**

 ***Two Weeks Earlier***

"Can't, sorry. I need to study for finales." I sigh, declining Jack once again over our night calls. "I really am sorry, Jack. I just- there's so much I need to do and- I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay, really." Jack says, probably disappointed.

"I'm not trying to ignore you Jack, I'm just so stressed and busy, I-" I ramble on, trying to make Jack feel better for my mistakes.

"Elsa, it's okay! Really. I understand, honestly." Jack says calmly.

"Okay, good. I'll make it up to you later."

"You don't have to, alright? It's totally okay. Now, I'm gonna go so you can get some sleep, okay?" Jack's always been good at keeping calm.

"Okay..." I say. "Sorry."

"I'll see you tomorrow at school, okay?" Jack asks.

"Ya, okay." I sigh.

"Hey, it's gonna be alright." Jack says, and I hang up on him.

Frustration kicks in, and I kick the wall beside my bed. How could I be so despicable to this boy? All he's trying to do is help, and I can't even be nice about it.

Jack and I aren't dating. We're immensely close friends, but I can't date him. Not because I don't want to, or because I don't think of him like that, but because I'm to much to handle for him. He's lowkey; relaxed, and chill. I'm an explosion of emotional and trauma.

I can't date him because I can't let him deal with me. I'm protecting him by doing this. It's how I will always be. I can't get close to anyone. It would be too detrimental.

Besides, Jack is very attractive to any standard. He could swoon anyone he wanted to. He often wants me to get out. To breathe. Maybe it's because he's been around since the time before the depression decided to cripple me. Maybe it's because he knows I used to genuinely smile.

But that was before the wight of the real world has decided to inflict its horror upon me. That was before I realized just how saddening most everything is.

I slid down against the wall beside my bed, and run my fingers below my right wrist. It's an uneven spread, holding slices that contain built up pain and anxiety which I'm to terrified to share.

Nobody has dared to learn this about me. I'd hope to keep it that way.

It's been a few months since my skin has been broken by any sharp blades. I find myself stuck between letting the wounds on my flesh heal, and deciding to create new ones.

I get up, refusing to create any new decorations on my wrist. I turn off the light, and crawl into the comfort of my bed. I close my eyes, while my mind is wide awake.

I heart my phone go off from a text.

Jack: You okay?

I turn off my phone, and shove it under my pillow. I hear it go off again, but I just ignore it. Soon, silence, my familiar accompany, returns to my room.

I battle the idea of sleep, checking the time often. The numbers light by my clock feel immune to me. The time rolls by as if it was nothing. 11:03pm. 12:43am. 1:37am. After rolling are pointlessly, I go to the bathroom.

After frivolously attempting to get myself sleep, my temporary escape from feelings, I decide medication is the way to go. I open my medicine cabinet, and stare upon the options of drugging methods.

Between the mess of headache/fever pills, pain pills, and allergy pills, I decide on the nighttime cold relief for a sedative. It's not harmful, I don't think, to take just to go to sleep.

Yes, this is the best choice.

I take the medicine, crawl back into the comfort of my bed, and let myself fall into a drugged sleep.

* * *

The obnoxious gong of my alarm interrupts the peace found from sleep. I lousily get up, collecting my things for the day. I walk down the hall into the kitchen. Anna is already eating her breakfast, which I skip, as always.

Unlike me, Anna has done well in recovering from the loss we both share. She eats regularly, sleeps well, and works hard on her grades. She even has started dating a boy a year above her; Kristoff. He is awfully nice and they do cute things all the time, and it makes me feel better about everything that Anna has found happiness.

I'm glad she's doing well. I wish I was able to be so.

Anna and I drive to school, but I let her drive since she's only 16 and still trying to get all her permit driving in. I slug into the building, and into the joyous accordance of Spanish II for first period.

I sit in the back, keep quite, and sleep all I can. I'm so exhausted, despite having done nothing much in a while. But it's always like this. I don't feel like doing anything.

The bell rings, and I lift myself up to the crowded hallways. I shuffle through the countless kids, heading to my locker and into second period, World History.

This is the class Jack and I share, along with Calculus after lunch. But unlike the other class, this one is so lenient, I'm sure I could shoot a firework in here and the teacher wouldn't care. She's the most nonchalant teacher I've ever had.

I walk in, and set my things in the back desk, and slouch down. Everyone else takes their places in their desks, whilst Jack had chosen to be beside me. Partly because we're really the only friends in this class, and also because I'm pretty good at getting the correct answers on worksheets.

Like any other day, we receive a study sheet to fill out based on the chapter of current study. I begin to page, eager to finish so I can go back to sleep.

"Hey, Elsa, did you get my texts?" Jack asks.

"Oh, no, sorry. I haven't checked my phone since we hung up." I try to laugh off, but I'm not very convincing.

"Oh." Jack says, reserving back to himself.

I feel pretty bad for everything, but I don't know what to do, so I just pretend it didn't happen. That seems to be the subtle solution to things.

The room, although very relaxed and free, is also uncomfortable. The air feels dry, and smells like an old cereal box. It's pretty hot, and I don't want to sweat much in my hoodie. I pull the sleeves up, trying to aid in the deprivation.

I continue the sheet, almost finishing it.

"Elsa..." Jack says quietly.

I find my eyes following his fingers, which point to the scars still healing on my wrist. Despite the heat, I quickly shove down my sleeves again.

"It's nothing." I say, hoping to the heavens he doesn't figure out what it is.

"Elsa, that's not nothing. Please." Jack urges, and I can't tell if he actually cares or is just wanted a conversation. He's not exactly that kind of person, but you can't trust anyone completely.

"Jack, it's nothing, okay." I harshly disclose.

Jack keeps quiet after so, and the bell rings almost immediately after to release me from his peering eyes.

 _He saw. He thinks you're disgusting. He thinks you're insane. He doesn't like you at all._

My thoughts torture me throughout the rest of the day.

 _Jack is a good kid. He wouldn't try to make me uncomfortable. He will try to understand. It's just who he is._

I try to reconcile with the possessing rumors floating in my thoughts. I try to prove myself wrong.

Calculus rolls around, but that class is strict, and there is little availability for free talk. Our teacher is not harsh or crude, she just likes things to be accomplished. Her thought process is very aligned and coherent.

Jack sits towards the front, and I am a few rows over, in the middle section. Through the quite of confusing mathematics, I can feel his eyes peer towards me at times. I can sense his worry and anxiety for me, and I'm unsure how to process it.

I rush out of the classroom when the bell rings, and avoid him best I can. I'm terrible at being a decent friend to him, especially after how amazing he is, but it's just who I am; a sad, pathetic human, barely clinging to the depressing confusion she calls life.

Once all classes for the day have ended, including the mandatory jogging for those not in sports, I quickly head to the old truck Anna and I share. I slam the door shut, locking the doors.

I bite my lip, trying to hide back oncoming tears that sting the back of my eyelids.

I pull out my phone, and don't read the ones from Jack. I read, instead, Anna's message, which says she will be going home with Kristoff to do homework, then she'll come back. I text her back, making sure she knows I'm okay with it.

Then the curiosity nags me. The desperate need to know what Jack said tugs at my heart. So I open his messages.

Jack: You Okay?

Jack: seriously, are you?

Jack: Well, if you need anyone to talk, I'm a phone call away.

All those from last night, but then an oncoming call dials on my cell phone. It's Jack. I reject the call, partly because I don't what to say, but also because I'm on the verge of tears and letting him hear that is not in my agenda.

A text message arrives.

Jack: Please talk to me.

I decide to answer.

Me: I can't. I'm sorry.

Jack: Yes you can. I'm here, okay? You're one of my best friends, and I have to make sure you're okay.

Me: I don't want to. There's nothing to say. I have to go no

Jack:... okay. please be okay.

I put the phone in my backpack, and let the agonizing tears sting my cheeks. I sit, walling my own snot and salty tears for several minutes, crying over... I'm not sure what.

Over the fact that I can't be as amazing of a friend as Jack. Over the fact that he's so much an angel, and I'm practically a demon. Over the fact that living has become an endless cycle, and how everyday I grow more eager for living to end for me.

I dry my tears, and take some tissues from the compact box in the truck to wipe away my face, and drive home.

I fall into my room, throwing my things aside. I sit on my bed, feeling nothing. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like talking. I just feel empty.

Empty and dead inside. Like there's no reason to exist. Like everything I do just causes consequences to others who dare care about me in any way.

 _I could end it. I could just go, right now. It could happen. I have some bottles of pills. It's possible._

My destructive thoughts begin chipping away at my soul. I hide under the covers, feeling numb to the world. I put in my earbuds, and turn the music up pretty loudly, tuning out everything. I don't feel anything. I feel nothing.

 _I am nothing._


	3. 2- Hide Away

Jack

I knew Elsa has always felt distressed since her parents passing, and I get it. I was 12 when my parents died in a car wreck. It felt terrible, because Olivia, my younger sister, and I were in that car.

We walked out with a few scrapes. Luckily, our Grandmother lived in town and was happy to take us in. I know what its like to lose your parents tragically.

I mean, I'm okay now, but then again, it's been 6 years. Sophia and I have survived our tragedy, but Elsa seems to be barely clinging on. It's been almost 2 year, so the hardest part is still happening.

I remember when I used to go to therapy when I was 12 through 14, before we stopped because we didn't have the money, my therapist told me the first two years of loss were the hardest. And I found that true.

I mean, I guess I shouldn't expect to much smiles from Elsa. When I was 13 I almost robbed a bank with some 'friends', and during those years the cops knew my name. But my last session with the therapist, when I was 14 nearing 15, the therapist told me that recovering from the loss would be a life-time process. He said I had to be the example to Olivia.

Olivia became my 'inspiration' to make it through. She was imaginative, and kind-hearted. I couldn't let anything take that from her. And it's payed off. At 14, she has friends. She is doing really well for having lost two parents at the age of 8.

Although Olivia and I have done well in our recovery, I guess Elsa is different. She doesn't have a therapist. I don't think she really talks to her sister, either. I mean, I know Anna is doing very well, but she has Kristoff and some other friends. Elsa doesn't really have anyone.

I see her walking alone in the hallways, and sitting quietly at lunch doing work or just not eating at all. I see it in her eyes, just how defeated she feels. And today, I saw it on her wrist as well.

I don't know how to comfort without coming off as nagy or pushy. Elsa needs needs a friend, and I hope I'm doing that right.

She doesn't answer my texts sometimes, and she isn't all for calling. I can't be to forward or anything, because that's weird and I don't want to seem like desperate.

I mean, I totally wouldn't mind her and me becoming an us or something, but she needs a friend, not a partner. Right now, all I can do is just try to be there.

The night, I wrestle with anxiety trying to find the sleep. Tomorrow is a Friday, well today technically since it's 12:41am, but maybe I can convince Elsa to go do something with me.

I don't even know why I feel so anxious. I don't have any upcoming tests. I don't have any friends trying to backstab me. As far as I'm concerned, I don't think I've done anything illegal recently. What is it?

I hear my phone beep to the text tone of Elsa's.

Elsa: I'm sorry I've been so bleh lately. Just a lot going on. Thanks for everything.

I decide replying is the best thing. Thats, normal, right?

Me: No no no you don't need to be sorry! I get it! You're okay tho, right?

Elsa: I'm fine.

Me: You're sure? I'm here to talk. I mean it.

Elsa: I'm fine, okay.

Me: I don't think so. Fines one of those words people say when theyre not very fine.

Elsa: I don't want to bother you about it.

Me: Youre not a bother at all tho.

Elsa: I don't want to talk about it, ok.

Me: Okay.

Me: buuuutt do you want to go get some froyo after school tomorrow? I'll even pay!

After what seems like an endless time of waiting for her reply, she finally texts back.

Elsa: Okay, but I can pay for myself. :) thanks

Me: alright, well I'm going to sleep, so goodnight?

Elsa: Goodnight!

Me: try not to stress to much! Have a good night of sleep! See you tomorrow!

Elsa: haha thx. See ya.

Once the conversation has ended, I feel more relaxed. At peace, even. Guess the anxiety was just a passing thing. I place my phone on the little table beside my bed after setting the alarm on it for school.

I shut my eyes with a goofy smile to add to them, and thinking of Elsa, I fall into sleep.

I wake up, and as usual, get Olivia and myself ready for school, and head out the door.

Upon arriving to our seemingly massive school, I see Elsa walking in. I call to her, and she smiles at me, and stops in her tracks to wait for me.

1, that's amazing, 2, okay so she doesn't think I'm creepy, which is good. I have to play it cool, like she's my friend but also I'm chill about it? I'm overthinking this to much.

"Hey." She smiles softly.

"Hey, what's up?" What's up? That is the lamest way to say hello. I'm pathetic.

"Oh you know, the usual. School. Life. Things." She smiles, explaining in a simplistic humorous way. It's kind of hard to explain, but basically she's not cold or bitter about it.

"Ah, the usual... how normal." I try to tease but I think I came off rude.

"Well that's me, the normal." She shrugs her shoulders, smiling again.

"What's your first period again? I always forget, since I don't get to see you until fourth." I try to be lowkey complementary and I think it's working.

"Spanish, you?" She walks beside me, holding a soft smile, which is good.

"World Geography. I don't really get it, you know? Like we have maps and globes now, why do I need to learn this?" I joke, and she laughs with it.

"Same reason we need to learn math- so we sound smart even though we already have stuff tp figure it out with, I guess." She jokes back.

"Ah, I see. Well, I hate to end this conversation so shortly, but I gotta get going. Have fun in Spanish?" I suggest.

"And by fun you mean survive? Fun is not an option in that class." She states.

"But Spanish has Mrs. Pitrisha, right? She's hilarious!" I begin to call as I back away towards my class, and she goes the opposite to her class so we're left yelling across the hallway.

"She is. I guess fun might be possible!" She shouts back.

"You never know!" I call, and the conversation subsides when the first bell rings.

So the day continues, well outside of me, but I don't really pay attention. I'm just kinda excited about after school today. I'm kind of glad she offered to pay, honestly, because I've got barely enough for myself.

Let's see, my grandma knows I'm going, and Olivia has a ride home, and I can take the car I used to drive to school with, so it's all set. I'm good to go, all I have to do is act casual and cool. I can be casual. I can act normal.

"Psst, lover boy, how's it going with Elsa? Seen her naked yet?" Parker disgustingly jokes beside me.

I ignore him, despite the fact that he deserves a punch.I ignore him, which usually makes him go away. Parker is just a gross boy who, when he realized Elsa doesn't like disgusting dirt bags, decided it was his life mission to destroy anyone who likes her.

"Hey, frostie, I asked you a question." He has a harsher tone.

"Hey, Praker, I decided not to answer." I sarcastically mimic him.

He shuts up, but he will always be that way. He's just a stupid kid who won't go anywhere in life. He scoffs at me, and I continue begging for time to go faster. It's only third period, so I still have fourth period with Elsa, lunch, and two more classes, then athletics, then finally frozen yogurt.

Could this day be any slower? Ugh.

FINALLY the bell releases us, and I rush to my locker to grab the few things I need for English in fourth. I arrive pretty quickly to the class, and wait for Elsa to arrive.

She comes into the room, and places her backpack in her spot. Class begins, and the usual teasing and talking comes about. Mostly we talk about our Guided Reading notes we have to finish.

"What flavor are you getting? I'm getting oreo, possibly places every topping on it, you know, just the be on edge." I joke.

"I don't know, I haven't had frozen yogurt in forever." She laughs, letting off a warm glow to her.

"Why haven't you been?" I ask before I can even think through the question.

"It's just been a long time, okay." Her smile dissipates, and I think I know why.

"Oh, okay. Well, whatever, I'm glad I get to witness your first frozen yogurt in a while." I smile, lifting the mood slightly.

She laughs, but continues her work. I'm such an idiot, honestly. I need to think before I ask things! Of course she hasn't been since a while, because of the accident! How could I be so stupid! UGH.

We finish our notes just as the bell rings, and head towards our separate class.

The rest of the day seems so endless. Even lunch felt like forever. I noticed Elsa sat alone, but I didn't know if I should sit by her. Maybe she needed to be alone? Maybe I would be annoying by sitting? So many things could go wrong.

So finally the classes end, and I head out to find Elsa for the frozen yogurt trip. I find her at her locker, packing a few things in her backpack.

"All ready?" I ask.

"Yep! I'm kind of excited. It's been so long since I've had frozen yogurt." She smiles as we walk down the hallways.

"Hey, do you need me to carry that for you?" I say, referencing to a few binders and book in her hands.

"Jack, I can carry a binder and two books." She remarks teasingly.

"I never said you couldn't! Just offering." I laugh.

We continue talking until two seniors walk into the hallway; the "Stabbington" brothers, Ron and John. I don't think they're actually brothers, but they are annoying to deal with.

They give each other a look, and I know something is about to go down. I continue walking cautiously, preparing for who knows what.

John rushes Elsa and Don rushes me. Don pushes me against the locker, and since he's probably twice weight, it hurts like hell. John flips Elsa's books and binders up, and her papers fly everywhere. And just like that, they run down the hallway, finding comedy in this.

Elsa begins picking up her binders, scoffing to herself. I help her, or at least try.

"Elsa, don't worry about those guys. They're just big dumb losers, alright?" I say, handing her her Science book.

"Ooh, what language. Don't let the principle hear you." She sarcastically jokes, which probably means this didn't ticker her off as much as it did me.

"Well, you know me, always getting into trouble." I shrug my shoulders, adding to the joke.

She laughs, so I guess that's good. We continue walking out to my car, setting our stuff in it and preparing for frozen yogurt.

Since it's my car, I'll be driving. But since she's in the passengers seat, she argues that it's her duty to choose the best music. I roll my eyes, agreeing to it. Besides, I've never heard her music.

A song comes on that I don't recognize, but she seems to like it since she starts singing it loudly.

"What song is this?" I ask.

"Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots! Duh! If you don't mind me, I'm just going to sing obnoxiously to this k thanks." She says, proceeding to make excessive hand motions to the song.

"Nope, don't mind at all." I laugh to myself.

Several songs play before the yogurt stop, and she signs to all of them. Honestly, it's really hard to drive when the most beautiful person is singing off-key to songs I've never heard. It's actually super adorable, but I have to play it cool. That's how this stuff works. I think.

I park, and we head into the yogurt spot. She unplugs her phone from the connection chord.

"Sorry, but we're playing my music when you bring me back to the school." She says, smiling at me.

"Whatever, I'll deal with it." I tease back.

I open the door for her into the yogurt shop, and she joking says thank you. It's pretty empty, except for a few people.

One of those people is Hans. GREAT. Preparing for an excuse to get to-go yogurt in 3...2...1... Before I can even turn to say anything to Elsa, Hans interrupts me.

"Why are you two here! I thought having rats in restaurants was bad." He laughs obnoxiously to his two pals with him, as if he is funny at all.

I ignore him, and so does Elsa. If he keeps it up, I'm sure he'll get kicked out.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" He screams across the frozen yogurt place.

Pretty soon, a manager comes out. "Keep it down unless you want to get kicked out!"

I laugh to Elsa, and we continue to get our froyo.

I hear a gross breathe behind me. "Hey, Jackie poo, don't make me get kicked out. Just talk to me, we're friends right? How's my doll face doing? You know she'll be mine one day."

I shove him off of me, angered by his comment on Elsa.

"Didn't you hear? He'll kick you out of here." I say, purchasing my yogurt.

"Ah, c'mon! You're no fun!" Hans scoffs.

"Leave us alone, Hans." Elsa threats after buying her froyo.

"Oh shut up, doll face! I wasn't talking to you." Hans crudely remarks.

I clench my fist, trying hard not to just smack his now.

"Don't you want to fight, Jack? Let's play, you're so weak anyway. I could brake you in seconds." He taunts.

"Come on, Elsa, we're leaving." I say, heading us out the door.

"Jack!" Hans yells, but we keep going out the door.

As we exit outside I turn around just to see him rush into me and tackle me down. Elsa's screaming for someone, but all I can see and hear is Hans trying to punch the life out of me. He hits my face pretty hard, but I manage to escape the other thrusts.

He sits on top of me, saying how Elsa was his or some other delusional a few moments, a manager gets him off of me. I can feel blood from a small scrape on my face and probably a bruise.

"Get out of here, both of you! I don't want trouble in my shop!" The man says to Hans and I.

Well, this was a bust. To my face, and to Elsa.

UGH.


End file.
